I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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