Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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