I accidentally had phone sex last night
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
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Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
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I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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