i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
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I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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