the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
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Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
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I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
so much tequila, so little girl.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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