i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I could make wine with my vomit
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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