shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize