Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
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i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
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when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
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