He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
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He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
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Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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