He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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