Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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