apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
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Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
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I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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