just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
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she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
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I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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