Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
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there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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