it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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