I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
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you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
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Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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