Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He keeps bees of course he's weird
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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