I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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