Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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