dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
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it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
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He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We were destined to go to rehab together
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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