you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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