i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
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sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
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Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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