last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
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There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
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I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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