had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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