I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
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I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
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He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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