I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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