conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
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We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
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Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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