If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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