I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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