Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
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He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
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Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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