I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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