if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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