Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
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I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
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Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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