last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
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I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
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Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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