I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
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I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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