its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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