it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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