I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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