god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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