awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
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I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
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Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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