oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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