I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize