So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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