You're a womanizer and a bitch.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
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We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
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the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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