my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
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He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
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There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
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