Moan for me like Helen Keller
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
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We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
When did angry sex become our thing?
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The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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