made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
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Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
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Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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