Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
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i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
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Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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