People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
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I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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