Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
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There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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